If you’re following me and reading this, I bet that a big part of your growth is spiritual. I chose to walk this path many years ago.  There have been many initiations, many realizations, and so much growth.

Over the past six months, I’ve received an initiation as priestess, I’ve danced in a serpent initiation, I agreed to take part in an immersion in the ancient blood mysteries and womb healing, I’ve been doing an intense course in tantric healing.

It sounds really sexy, doesn’t it? Studying with witches, learning tantric breath work and practices, serpent dancing in temples, sitting in council and ceremony. Well, sometimes it is. And, there is something that they don’t tell you about all this growth and true spirituality. Ready? Here it goes.

The amount of guilt and shame and fear that come up is so insane, I want to crawl out of my skin. I am being so vulnerable right now, because quite honestly, I’ve spent most of my path simply pretending I was perfect all along. Choosing a spiritual path does not bypass does not mean you are automatically “enlightened” or “healed” — it is actual work. And we live in a society that doesn’t carve out time and space to do that work and process it in a healthy way.

As I am stepping into my power more and more and claiming my path, I find myself assessing every single action. As priestess, mystic, shaman, or any spiritual being, you look at every single part of your soul in a beautiful, intense, powerful way. There is a reason why every single society before the rise of patriarchy had the Dark Mothers, the primal, powerful, death and dark goddesses of the night. Because they lead you on the path inward to look deeply at your shadow. And only when you do that, do you step into your power.

I have been reflecting on the times I totally dropped the ball. All the times I said too much or not enough, all the times I lied, manipulated, or acted out of ignorance, trying to claim the title of a savage in an attempt to feel some sort of power. This is scary work. It is humbling. And it is raw.

A wise woman once told me that shame and guilt are the two lowest possible frequencies at which a person can vibrate. Well, as I am digging deep into the depths of my own darkness, these feelings are coming up for me. And I want you to know, that if you are doing the same, I am with you. It is a part of growth. It can be scary to see what you are truly capable of; even the most benign things can be unearthed to come from a place you’re not proud of. What I’m doing to combat this is to nurture with self-compassion and find the beauty of humanity in darkness.

We were not born perfect beings. We were born human. We arrived with codes, past life stories, ancestral woundings. Then we were raised in a world doesn’t teach us that it’s okay to heal. That doesn’t carve out the space, has warped perceptions of morality, and misunderstands compassion and love.

So, beloved, be gentle with you. Be gentle with your undoing. Be gentle with the feelings that arise. Sit with them, welcome them, and thank them for teaching you what feels good and what feels not so good, and grow from there. We are all united in our humanity, in our growth, and life itself. The world needs you to look at yourself deeply. Honor all the steps you took to be here. You’re going to be okay, my love.