Gratitude, Fire Ceremonies, and Memes

Picture this — I am in a red silk dress, hair soaking wet, in front of an open wood stove at a Goddess temple dome, drying off from the sacred spring water I immersed myself in after my rebirthing ceremony. It’s nighttime, the air is crisp, I’m with my teacher, an elder woman, who is adorned with a ceremonial cloak. 

I have a handful of sticks that I’m feeding the fire, and my teacher guides me to place my handful of sticks in the flames while reciting prayers of gratitude. She is staring at me, eagerly awaiting my prayers. And, naturally, in all of my grace and wisdom, I draw a complete blank. 

Here’s the thing that I noticed. Walking this path of sacred living absolutely requires gratitude.

I’ve had a really hard time feeling grateful about things which could then translate to me calling myself a spoiled brat and a slew of other mean names, but in reality, it is because for most of my life, I didn’t feel like I deserved any of what I had. And I grew up extremely privileged — I kind of hit the Ovarian Lottery as Warren Buffet puts it.  

But I would reject it, I would give it all away, I would even try to hide my identity because I had a deep belief that God made her first mistake when she put me in such a blessed position. Me? Of all people? So instead of gratitude, I felt fear. I felt anger. I felt shame for not being more grateful. 

Living life with anxiety, perfectionism, lack of worthiness, and a sometimes overwhelming sense of doom tends to take away the feelings of gratitude. Can you relate?

See the thing is, this is a crucial side effect of anxiety that is not spoken about enough. I even had a gratitude journal, and as I listed off things in it, the anxiety built with each one. Or, on the contrary, I would say I’m grateful for things and I wouldn’t feel much of anything at all. This could be from years of conditioning of people using gratitude as a cover up for something you don’t want to do (i.e just kiss him! You should be grateful that he’s being so kind!) which is a whole other manipulation of gratitude and not at all what it truly is. 

So flash forward to this amazing fire ceremony in the temple dome — that moment with the ceremonial cloak on, teacher’s face eagerly awaiting, and I’m doing the wide-eye-panic-stare that is breaking into a smile because I’m uncomfortable…Okay. 

So now, I take a deep breath, and decide to just let it freakin’ ride. I place the first handful of herbs and sticks into the fire, lavender and rosemary begin to crackle and dance in the flames, the spiritual tension was building, the energy getting louder, the fire roaring, and I suddenly see a flash of the last thing that brought a smile to my face. I take a deep breath and I say, “I am thankful for memes, particularly those that include Spongebob, because of how much they make me laugh even when I’m feeling anxious or bad that day.”

My teacher looks at me, and we start roaring with laughter. And then I giggled, “I’m thankful for the one kid in the class who used to ask if the math teacher was collecting the homework! They were such a good example of integrity at an early age and got so much shit for it! I’m grateful for my mailman who never has once delivered me the right mail, but we have the best conversations! I’m grateful for meatballs and extra vegan parmesan cheese which is so counterintuitive but makes me feel good! I’m grateful for the people trying their best in the world! 

It snowballed from there my love. My point is, sometimes gratitude is outside the box. And once you start with something you are actually, truly, grateful for, and you feel it in your bones, it comes alive. And you see more and more beauty in things you never would have before. Including the pain in the ass, beautifully integrity-filled kid who would remind the teacher of the homework. 

So I have a practice for you. Instead of thinking, “I am so grateful for all the abundance, for my family’s health, etc…” I want you to get super specific. Be thankful for a specific kind of meme. Or a specific meal, like the Italian food you had three years ago when you visited New York with your mom. Or the barista at your local coffee shop who always remembers your order. Or the people who are changing the freakin’ world in their own way. The people who inspire you, make you laugh, or warm your heart. Say them by name. Send them some love. 

And watch what happens when you allow this to roll through you. So, my love, even if you have found it hard to drop in to gratitude, let’s rewrite that together. Find what is real and alive for you, that lights you up, and send it on out.