Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. But Actually.

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and we have Mars, the planet of love-making, entering sensual Taurus, the Venus ruled sign of pleasure on that same day. So let's talk love and sex, with yourself or with a partner.

There is an adopted mindset that your partner needs to be your constant form of pleasure. They are the ones that need to service and stimulate you in every way — emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically, spiritually — how much unnecessary pressure is that? It’s like treating our lovers and partners like a drug, not a human being. And not tuning into our own power to heal, help, and honor ourselves.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: You enter in a relationship, the sex is phenomenal for the first few months, maybe a year. Then it gets more dull, redundant, just another means to an end. Many great relationships end because of this.

As my teacher Layla Martin says, this sets the basis for codependency, or the idea that you are not a sovereign, powerful, magical force. It says that another person is the only way you get to feel vibrant, pleasure-filled, worthy of excitement and love. Well, imagine if you owned your sexuality? If you were your source of pleasure? If you were responsible for your own sexual needs, you wouldn’t have to rely on anyone to “make” you feel good, or need someone else to tell you that you are worthy of pleasure.  

So this Valentine’s Day, I challenge you to create your own self-love and pleasure practice. To explore your body and needs deeply and wholeheartedly, the way you would with a partner when you are madly in love with them. Give yourself a fully body rub down and explore the sensations with a beautiful oil of choice, like calendula infused jojoba oil, and feel your finger pads massage your tummy, your thighs, and your neck. Use a crystal pleasure wand and feel into what comes up, move your body slowly and with intent and breathe deep. Try and stay so present in the sensations rather than fantasizing. The more you go into your own sexuality, unafraid and with total self-love, the more you can show up with a partner and have an incredible experience.

The way we see sex in our society is pretty warped. We see it as a means to an end, as something you can be “good” at, and people think there are moves that they can pull out that all one gender loves. Well, let’s put those ideas to rest now. Sex should be as organic as breathing.  That doesn’t mean it’s going to be mind-bowingly in-tune and natural all the time, it might take a minute to get into a rhythm with someone new or a changing body, but it shouldn't be pulling out cookie cutter moves that are inauthentic!

It is not something to be good at, it is something to be present in. It is a dance, a flow, and whether it is a one-night-stand or a long-term partner — own it. Go into it. Honor everyone’s boundaries and go deep into the experience. Then sex becomes a cosmic experience that can bond, heal, energize, and empower both of you.

This Valentine's Day, let us all celebrate empowered love, sex, and sovereignty in relationships. We are free and whole. We are magic and infinite. We are here for a short while, so let’s experience pure pleasure and love. You deserve to be loved, pleasured, held, and honored by yourself. Set the example for all who come in contact with you. Show ‘em how it’s done.

I love you.